Pencil Art Love Anime Images Drawings Love Couple Landscape Love Heart Girl God Flower: Hand Tattoos Pain Love Anime Images Drawings Love Couple Landscape Love Heart Girl God Flower

Thursday 3 October 2013

Hand Tattoos Pain Love Anime Images Drawings Love Couple Landscape Love Heart Girl God Flower

Hand Tattoos Pain Biography

Source(google.com.pk)
The story of my tattoos... every one of my tattoos covers scars caused by my abusive childhood. Like many people who endure abuse, the only way to cope with it as a child was to stop caring about my body. I did not care who used it, what was done to it and I dissociated pain caused to it. The reason I did this is that if I had cared about my body, I would have gone crazy with what was being done to it against my will. I could not have survived.
By the time I was eighteen, I had been a model for seven years. I hated it. My body was a commodity in that business just like it had always been. I was making a lot of money for the man who was abusing me (who I thought was my real father) by modeling because he could no longer prostitute me out to as many men because his “clients” didn’t want a teenager, they wanted a child. But during my eighteenth year of this life, I was drug on a trip to China by my mother. It was a last ditch effort of hers to try to seek help from Eastern doctors since Western medicine had given up on me by that point. It was the best decision my mother ever made. At that point in my life, despite what I knew spiritually, I was living a miserable life. I had tried to commit suicide three times. I was 97 pounds at 5’8”. And I was addicted to the ketamine which I had been injected with since I was a child (the ketamine kept me completely dependent on my abuser). When I went to China, they treated my “extrasensory gifts” completely differently from how the Western world treated them. They celebrated them.
While I was there, I had a very unusual experience with what is considered to be old world China. No one spoke English. The center which was our base-camp so to speak was owned by master Wan (A five star Chinese general famous for re-starting a man’s heart as a child on a train with his own qi). He had hand selected orphan children from around the country whom he sensed had special abilities and all of them were cared for by him while in training with masters of traditional Chinese medicine, qigong, kung fu and Taoism. They were training to cultivate the unusual abilities they had (abilities like mine).
Unofficially, it was a trip for the terminally ill. Our small group was largely comprised of people seeking healing for “incurable” illness from the modality of oriental medicine. We traveled to locations which most Caucasian people never see. Temples and mountains which require days of back country travel and hikes up miles of hand made stairs. It was like being on another planet. The entire time I was there, I was given herbal hand made medicines. I had master healers doing energy work on me daily. I was meditating and learning qigong in places where centuries of healing and energy mastery had taken place. I was absorbed by a culture which I felt I belonged to. It completely changed my life. I cried the whole way home. I knew I was going to pay the consequences (like I always did) for my absence. But I was really crying because going home felt like being severed from belonging. I was healthier than I had been since I was five years old. When I landed in The LAX air port, no one gave me eye contact. The unified energy of China was gone. What took its place was the chilly American attitude of individualism. There was no connection. I was back in what I saw as hell.
The day after I returned, in the attempt to cling to that feeling of freedom and belonging, I decided to go to the tattoo parlor and make a statement of ownership of my own body. I decided to get my first tattoos, one on each wrist, a constant reminder of China. It was also a passive aggressive move to disqualify myself from modeling jobs (the fashion industry is an industry which does not accept tattoos).
I paid the consequences of getting them dearly in many ways but in other ways, it was my first step to freedom. I became enamored with it, addicted to taking back ownership, addicted to the pain. My misery found company in the misery of other people who also suffered and who also hated life and who had found a bit of relief by expressing it with their skin. For me, tattoos were the outward demonstration of my internal pain and they were an expression of part of who I was. I got them also to mark the end of one phase of my life and the beginning of a new phase in my life. All of my tattoos in fact have marked an end/beginning.
And so, as for the meaning behind my tattoos…
The one on my left arm is the seal of alchemy. It is a Lemurian seal. The circle in the middle represents nothingness, the square represents thought, the triangle represents universal energy (God basically) and the outer circle represents everythingness...total unity... no beginning and no end. So... if you put it all together, the seal means nothingness (the void) activated by thought and purified by universal energy = manifestation. It is a formula for mind creates reality. The reason the inner and outer circle are the same shape is because that which is everythingness is that which is nothingness. No separate form. In other words… Oneness. Around the seal is a band written in the unknown language that I was born writing, it says "Phaleg" which means to overcome with strength of will.